под катом море ангста
на самом деле его здесь будет значительно меньше чем ожидалось - разговаривать с самим собой всё-таки полезно
дальше инглиш forgive me
1) of all, i honestly dislike the part of me that gives a shit what people say here. it really pisses me off that i waste my nerve cells here.
2) but since i do: i also hate people that come out of nowhere and decide to 'spill some light' on my persona. i just don't like people talking about me, even if it's praise - it embarrasses me.
3) it gives me a fucking pit in my stomach to hear people say that my looks, the intonation of my voice, the manner in which i behave, speak or gesticulate is v e r y r u s s i a n
it disturbs me because all i've seen of 'typical' russian-ness is, well, not flattering
i did not grow up in that country and i do not belong there, my inner and outer politics bear no relation what so ever to the mentality of the russian people (maybe i am somber and realistic at times and not as trustworthy of the state etceetc)
i don't hate it because i'm "trying" to migrate or be part of a foreign community
i hate it because it never implies anything good, nor do i ever perceive it as something good
just like if you tell a bastard that it seems to you that he is a bastard, or that a dwarf is, to you, positively dwarfish in his looks
capice?
just because i was born there and my parents are russian, i happen to speak the language and have that god forsaken passport - does not make me RUSSIAN
it doesn't make me european, american or british either.
i respect my historical heritage and the land, as well as a bunch of precious people.
just so that you know, when you tell an american (indian, french, german, italian, brit, japanese etc) that their something is very american etc etc - i doubt that their first thought is "this must be a compliment", "it's a positive comment" dream on and shut the lights off
oh, and by the way - what does 'looking' russian imply? the country is very big ya'know.
and this is where i ran out of steam
talk about making из мухи слона
and anyway, who gives a shit what some gal says online, nay, who gives a shit what she thinks about me? her opinion, in reality, has no importance what so ever. null.